Little Thoughts

“How do you expect to leave everything behind when you enter a meditation center? The kind of suffering that you carry in your heart, that is society itself. You bring that with you, you bring society with you. You bring all of us with you. When you meditate, it is not just for yourself, you do it for the whole society. You seek solutions to your problems not only for yourself, but for all of us.” - Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace p.64

I’m trying not to think about Peace Corps at this point. We’ve both turned in almost everything (just waiting on other people to fill out recommendations). We should hear from them through the mail in a week or less, through US Mail, telling us how to check our app status online. I’m assuming we’ll also be hearing in the next week or two from the local recruiter to set-up an interview. Lori and I both are really hoping for Moldova. I’m hoping for almost anything other than Africa. I have serious doubts about my ability to handle the heat.

I Feel Like I'm on Speed, but I Should be Sleeping

So, it’s 1 am, which I guess means it’s Wednesday, but I’m still thinking of it as Tuesday, since I haven’t slept yet. For some reason, I’m all hyped up. I’m pretty proud of myself. I worked crazy hard today and got our front porch floor, rail, and columns repainted. It looks really good, and will look even nicer when I put our freshly painted furniture back on it. This floor paint stuff is crazy, though. It takes like 24 hours before you can even set foot on it, then it’s 72 hours before it’s ready for normal use. Normal wall paint dries completely to the touch in just a few hours. This stuff was still a little tacky after 6 hours today! Kinda nuts.

Have I mentioned that we’re joining the Peace Corps? Lori turned her application in on Sunday, so it’s pretty much official. If they’ll take us, we’re in. I’m guessing we’ll be setting up interviews and getting the process rolling for real in the next 2-3 weeks. We’re starting to look at selling the house, so that we’re not tied down by it. We’re hoping to be headed out sometime next spring/summer. Kinda crazy.

In other news, Lori’s dad is getting remarried next weekend (August 5), so I’m planning on trip to SD on two weeks notice. More kinda crazy.

I’ve been thinking about this 20-30 year old period. Lori and I have a bunch of friends who are just coming out of it and really getting established in what they’re doing. I feel like we’re on the opposite end of that: really just getting started in figuring out what the rest of our lives might have as a trajectory. I’m excited, but it also feels like it’s a lot of hard work, and it’s so socially awkward at times. I feel like I’m an adolscent again. Then it was zits, growing pains, being a bit clumsy, and not knowing how to impress girls. Now it’s feeling unsure of how to adapt to being an adult: making my own decisions, being responsible for my own finances, interacting in general in the ‘adult’ world.

It’s interesting. The first period (adolescent) is mostly biological and organic, very little of it is human-constructed. This socially-awkward time of change, however, seems almost entirely a social construction based on the adult/child divide, and various responsibilities our society has decided that we should take on at various times. I wonder what less constricted and defined growth into social responsibility/maturity would look like.

Damned if You Do, Damned if You Don't

So, I'm not even sure where to begin this thought, because it's not really presenting itself in linear fashion. I guess I'll start where it started for me today. I was listening to a podcast of a debate on climate change/globla warming (NPR: Intelligence Squared). One of the debaters contested that we shouldn't listen to the environmental alarmists because they don't even take their own advice: Al Gore still flies in a private jet, Sierra Club members are still on the coal-burning, pollution-ridden power grid, etc. The recent Live Earth concerts received a very similar treatment with complaints about all the artists being flown in, the massive crews, stages, lights, amplifiers, etc, which all meant that Live Earth concerts released incredible amounts of carbon into the air. Of course, it is worth noting that Al Gore and Live Earth organizers have made a serious effort to offset their carbon emissions by funding carbon fixing initiatives (carbon offset projects), though that is likely worth an entire discussion on some other day and blog.

I feel the thrust of this argument, and Lori and I struggle with it regularly. No one wants to be or support a hypocrite, who preaches a message with no pretense of practicing or internalizing it. However, I feel frustrated by those that make it, because it is usually made with an ignorance for the complexity of the situation. That is not to say that there are not hypocrites, but that we should be careful in making such an accusation. We never hold or pursue any ideal or value in isolation. So, therefore, though I value environmental responsibility and energy conservation, I also value saving for future investment, supporting social justice efforts, and purchasing good books, among other things which compete for the funds I might spend on making my life more energy efficient. I value time with my friends, time with my wife, and time for relaxation and meditation, all of which compete for the amount of time I might spend in projects to make my dwelling and life more energy efficient. I value as well . . .

I think you get the point regarding the competition of a variety of values in our live and I hope you see how this plays into my frustration with accusations of hypocrisy. One can earnestly believe in the extreme importance of environmentalism and conservation and yet that belief is limited by other things with one also believes are extremely important. How far can and should we go in pursuing our ideals and how do we balance those ideals both internally, that is, so that we can be decided for ourselves, and externally, that is, so that we can apply our personal stance effectively to our culture, society, and locality? This question is one that approaches more honestly the issue at hand.

I think that this kind of thinking is useful in application, not just to environment and conservation, but to any issue where we have to balance our values with our resources and the structure within which we must work. This brings me to another point on this line of thinking: We are not just constricted by our competing internal values and resources, but also by societal, cultural, and political structures and prejudices. Here, to me, is where the damned if you do, damned if you don't part of the issue, and where the rubber meets the road for my struggle with the issue of hypocrisy. You see, I know people that are not hypocrites of the kind this gentleman complained about in his argument. They have moved off the grid, gone ridiculously local, sought all kinds of alternative forms of energy, etc. Often this happens at the cost of their respectability and voice. People regard them with suspicion or as crazy hippies and often don't take the time to listen to what they have to say for their chosen lifestyle. In fact, I can hear and have heard people who make complaints of hypocrisy, then make derogatory comments about the people who are living out the lifestyle based on what they are arguing against. It's a comment along these lines: "Look at that environmental activist hypocrite talking about conservation and preservation while he flies around in a private jet, and can you believe that weirdo hippies and nerds he hangs out with. Damn communists." It is difficult to desire to live according to one's convictions when those convictions go against the social norms held tightly by one's society.

As I said, this is where the rubber hits the road for Lori and I. It is interesting to discuss our choice to enter the Peace Corps with folks who think that we should have more ambitious aims for our lives. We are frustrated at having to choose between graduate school, and the debt it brings and time it takes, and pursuing our dreams and values. It is an ongoing struggle for us and I'm sure for almost everyone to seek to live in a world that is seldom organized in a way that is consistent with our own internal priorities and values. Such is the work of life, I suppose . . .

A Great American Idea

So, I was struck with a great idea today. I think someone needs to start a company building upsacle homes. These homes would be like most nice homes, in most aspects. There would be one special thing about these homes, however. They would have windows that looked just like normal windows from the inside, but instead of glass looking on the outside, they would have High Definition LCD screens. Just think, you'd no longer be limited to living within your climate and geographical limits. Today, you want a beautiful sunny day next to a mountain range, just click the remote and there you have your landscape, right outside (or I guess you might say inside) your windows. Or perhaps it feels like it should be a rainy day to cuddle up next to the fireplace in your lakeside home. Once again, a few clicks and you're living in your desired paradise.

Of course, this doesn't have to limited to entire homes and new builds. Perhaps you could jsut add a room in this style as a remodel/addition to already existing homes. There could also be an entire spin off economy of creating various landscapes for your LCD windows. You could buy them as DVDs or DVD-ROMs. Or you could have the entire system connected to the internet, and folks could just download various landscapes and weather, etc.

I think you get the idea of what an incredible industry this could be. Of course, if you know me, you might also get the sarcasm with which I propose such an idea. Let's replace all of the windows in our homes with false windows, so that we can control what we see out our windows. Can you get more ridiculously wasteful and out of touch? The scary part is that I wouldn't be surprised if such a thing sold like wildfire. Heck, for all I know, someone is already doing it. I didn't do any research on that--I'm scared of what I would find. It's a perfect American idea. It involves having more control, which Americans love. Heck, not having windows would allow you to make your home a complete fortress, like a bomb shelter. How great! It's technology, and Americans love technology, especially if it's something that none of their neighbors have and therefore they can show off. Basically it's the kind of self-centered, wasteful, misuse of technology and energy that Americans love. Perhaps what the worst thing about this kind of idea is how disconnecting it is. Yes, you might gain control of whether you felt like having a mountain or a lake, rain, snow or shine outside your window, but that having that control means losing touch with what is actually outside your window. It also means isolating yourself from your neighbors. Who wants to live next to a house with no windows? That would seriously creep me out.

So anyways, that's what was running through my head this morning. Until later . . .

Another Attempt at Blogging

Well, I feel like getting my thoughts out in type again and just discovered that Blogger is now connected to Gmail, so I set up a Blogger.

I finished my Peace Corps Application! It's turned in! Yay! I'm really excited. Lori is not close to done with her application :(! Lori is struggling to feel motivated about anything, Peace Corps included, much less excited :(! This is the bittersweetness of my life loving someone with OCD and depression. To be excited to is to remind myself and her of how hard excitement is for her. To look forward to future plans is to remind us of how scary the future can feel for her. I feel like OCD is getting worse. i think it's getting worse before it gets better, not just getting worse. She's talking about and thinking about how she worries and checks and why she worries and checks. I think there have been some hard revelations and coming to terms with things for both of us. It's hard to see the work that needs to be done, but I suppose it would be even harder to go on not knowing. The work must be done one way or another and I am glad we are getting started, hard though it may be.

Jeff has a new caregiver. She seems very nice and sweet. I don't know that I've learned to much else about who she is. I hope things go well for her. It's so relieving to have someone else doing Jeff's care. I'm working about the same amount of hours, and might even be upping my hours a bit, but having someone else seems to release some of the pressure of responsibility. As Kathi has put it several times, it sucks when her and I are the only people in the county that are available to cath or do Jeff's care. Jeff has a new pool, which has at least partially motivated the extra hire. He's doing therapy and swimming in the pool for exercise. I think it's really great for him and am so glad that he's enjoying it.

Yeah, that's about enough for now. More later, I hope.